London Kink Therapy

Shame and fear around preferences

Many clients I work with fear what their urges mean. It could be that they are watching lots of gender transformative porn or trans porn, and fear it means they actually want to change their gender. Maybe they wish to be dominant or submissive and fear this means leaving their current relationship. Or that that they wish to be an adult baby but fear being mistaken for a pedophile.

There is also a stigmatising idea that all kinky people are hedonistic extroverts who love wearing leather and don't have “nice” or “normal” jobs and families. They don't see how they can fit these preferences into their world. I can help unpick all this and identity ways clients can match their sex lives to the life they wish to live.

Or it could be they are in a relationship and can't broach the subject for fear of being judge, outed or misunderstood.

I can help clients understand what these urges are, what they mean for them, what may have contributed to them - including thoughts around the notion they may just be this way or may never know for sure. I can help clients have difficult conversations and identify ways to bring whatever they want to bring into a life that they want to have.

Loneliness

Whether you're kinky or not, it sucks not having someone to be romantic or sexual with. It could be that you have spent much of your adult life fantasising and not doing and find it it very hard to create exact situation you need in which to get off. If you have difficulty meeting people, we can work out why and how to get you in front of people. Whether is meeting more people in general or you wish to visit more queer or kink-friendly spaces or have help with meeting people online. Sometimes self esteem and attach issues as well as distorted beliefs can be addressed to help you find your tribe.

Am I trans?

I work a lot with clients who fear they may be trans because they watch a lot of porn featuring transgender people. This doesn't mean I, or anyone, should say “but of course you are trans - off to the clinic for top and bottom surgery. No no be who you are, don't argue! The only people who should be having these treatments, are people who feel positive about them.

It could be internal or external transphobia is in the way of people embracing who they want to be. Also, the internet can groom and take people down rabbit holes that lead them to question their identity. We are all somewhere on a gender spectrum and unpicking and challenging these ideas, can help people work out what they really want. If it is to live as another gender or sexuality then I will very happily help you towards this.

There is often a place that clients can arrive that has them understanding where they are in this vast spectrum and can help them live a more rounded, fulfilling life, without fear.

Am I asexual?

I worked with many clients who have a vivid fantasy life but are unable to enjoy being with other people. Sometimes their fantasies don't involve genital stimulation or body contact. Or sometimes they are imagining themselves in such a way that can't translate to real life - maybe they are an animal or a different gender or they are eaten or something else, magical happens. They sometimes fear that this means that they are asexual.

Interestingly there are many ministers who pride themselves on not wanting genital stimulation. Sometimes a client can find contentment and happiness in having non genital, kinky times with like-minded people

It could be that the client feels the lack of libido is defence mechanism. Maybe from intimacy or attachment issues. These could be caused by childhood trauma or neglect, a fear of feeling different - maybe from being on the autistic spectrum or feeling socially awkward or from body or self esteem issues.

I will happily sit with a client to help them unpick, unblock and explore these feelings.

Harm from edge play or eroticised humiliation

People can be troubled by a preference for acts like simulated rape or kidnapping. It could be the client has been raped before and this is the only way that they have found that gets them off. BDSM, humiliation and role play can be incredibly hot and very jolly if all players are happy. People who have been through a trauma can find simulating these things to be brilliantly liberating. The issue comes when it exacerbates trauma and prevents any intimacy where intimacy is yearned. I can often help clients to find alternative ways of expressing themselves, within a kink dynamic, if that is what they want. So they can have a jolly time.

Acts like choking and breath play have become increasing poplar. I've also had clients who have been near hospitalised and bear life long scars from their play. They feel it is the only way to get off. It might not feel safe or sane but is actually fuelled by compulsion. And may also be accompanied by drug use. Unpicking what is happening here can help clients towards a safe sexual way of being that is still hot and satisfying but that is also kinder to their body and soul.

Compulsivity

There is no amount of sex or legal safe, sane and consensual sexual activity that is inherently bad. If you feel that your behaviour, porn or fantasy life is getting out of hand, we can work out what you want, manage any triggers and, if needs be, find things to put in place of your acting out. My approach on this site isn't about branding you an addict and certainly isn't about demonising consensual behaviour. It's about getting control of your life and whatever it is you like doing.

Some reasons why you or your partner may feel your behaviour is out of control are:

• If you are feel bad from eschewing real life relationships to sit and masturbate
• If you are doing activities outside the moral compass of your relationship such as seeing sex workers
• If you are spending more money than you can afford on your preferences
• If your activities cause you harm, be it sore bits from too much masturbating or injuries from BDSM
• If you are being coercive or feel coerced into more sexual play than he is healthy for you or someone else or activities that you or they don't want to do
• If you are using sex to avoid dealing with other things in your life

I have been trained and am a member of both The Association for the Treatment of People with Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (ATSAC) and sex offender rehabilitation charity Stopso. My website www.londonsexaddictiontherapy.com has a a lot more info about how I work with compulsive behaviour.

Illegal fantasies, online activity or real life acting out

People who practise illegal or controlling behaviour that isn't safe, sane and consenting need to stop and vulnerable people and animals need safe guarding. Anyone Looking at, sharing or downloading indecent images of children or animals is a crime and this also needs to be stopped. Occasionally people have an innate lust for these things and only these things that needs to be understood and built around. More often, people have a wider range of things they like and need to help tuning into these, understanding intimacy, trauma, attachment, anger, how to feel control in their life and so on.

There are two types of clients who come to me with predatory desires - those who don't want to act on them and are beset with shame and those who do. The latter only ends up in front of me if they have been caught. My work then involves helping them understand their behaviour is wrong or can get them into more trouble.

Within the clients who are beset with shame are also those who may have, or have traits of OCD. They have urges but would actually never dream of crossing the line, in fact the thought of doing some regardless of the consequences, makes them feel sick. For example, they may have a fear that if they hold a baby then they will feel turned on. Fear and arousal can sometimes be connected. This abject fear can be very distressing and limiting and is treatable. Again I can sit with you and help you work out what is what and what to do.